Maybe we feel that we were used and now since We have nothing to give any more, no youthful energy, maybe no resources, talents or position in the material world to utilize, etc and so now may feel tossed to the side like an empty sandwich wrapper abandoned, un-cared for and neglected and perhaps some of of us may find ourselves in less than adequate material conditions and perhaps we are far from kirtans and prasadam.
I hear these complaints voiced a lot and certainly I am in this category of used, spent and discarded.
Last night I visited my father, 96 in assisted living. He has given everything and performed his duties and responsibilities in life with the greatest sense of integrity and moral fiber. He took responsibility at a very early age when his mother passed away, He was 9. He was the youngest of 5 but he took responsibility even more than his siblings. From her deathbed is mother asked him to. As the youngest he evidently had a special bond with his mother.
Military during WWII as a communications specialist (the technical part of communications that is.. the wires and tubes), dutiful husband... 65 years, no straying or cheating, no abuse of substances, no smoking, a very wholesome meat eater. Strong like bull. Sole caregiver for my mother for 20 years as she deteriorated slowly with Alzheimer until she passed away at 90.
He has turned over his house and what is left after all the medical expenses to me his only surviving descendant, a renounced aspiring Hare Krishna devotee.
So much integrity in performing his material duties and obligations.
He has made so many sacrifices as a duty, A mother's instruction to her helpless child.
But now he is 96 and not at all prepared for his own passing. Has no desire to hear anything about transcendence. "When you're dead you're dead." "I believe in God, He's over there. I'm over here. I don't bother Him and He doesn't bother me." Or he will turn his extended hand palms upward and show where he has crucifixion holes in his hands.
Now there is bewilderment. Of what use was all my sacrifice? Now He is left alone and suffering. Can hardly see, has no control of bladder or rectum, cannot walk, and administered 3 pages of medications just to live (chemical lide support) has only a few functional hours in a day since he tires very easily. Alone. abandoned. Useless. And about to die.
I am fast approaching a similar material condition as my father and mother and their father and mother and their father and mother before them.
I made a sacrifice to ISKCON of my youth and energy to the best of my ability which is really minuscule and insignificant. Honestly I think I was more in the way than an actual help. I came to the movement with a lot of baggage and stubbornly hung to as much of it as I could for as long as I could. I guess I was something like a Hare Krishna baggage lady.
But I have no regret. If I do have a regret... it is that I have nothing left to give. I would gladly do it all over again and again and again.
Do I personally expect anything from ISKCON? No. I gave my life. that's it. I didn't make a deal. I gave it. It's gone. I gladly, joyfully, blissfully and enthusiastically gave it. Oh that I could do it again.
Do I expect some repayment?
Does ISKCON owe me something?
Absolutely not.
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