DOES ISKCON OWE ME ANYTHING?

To those of us who are old now and may feel disconnected from the institution ISKCON (not necessarily from the Hare Krishna movement.)

Maybe we feel that we were used and now since We have nothing to give any more, no youthful energy, maybe no resources, talents or position in the material world to utilize, etc and so now may feel tossed to the side like an empty sandwich wrapper abandoned, un-cared for and neglected and perhaps some of of us may find ourselves in less than adequate material conditions and perhaps we are far from kirtans and prasadam. 

I hear these complaints voiced a lot and certainly I am in this category of used, spent and discarded. 

Last night I visited my father, 96 in assisted living. He has given everything and performed his duties and responsibilities in life with the greatest sense of integrity and moral fiber.  He took responsibility at a very early age when his mother passed away, He was 9. He was the youngest of 5 but he took responsibility even more than his siblings. From her deathbed is mother asked him to. As the youngest he evidently had a special bond with his mother. 

Military during WWII as a communications specialist (the technical part of communications that is.. the wires and tubes), dutiful husband... 65 years, no straying or cheating, no abuse of substances, no smoking, a very wholesome meat eater. Strong like bull. Sole caregiver for my mother for 20 years as she deteriorated slowly with Alzheimer until she passed away at 90.

He has turned over his house and what is left after all the medical expenses to me his only surviving descendant, a renounced aspiring Hare Krishna devotee.

So much integrity in performing his material duties and obligations.
He has made so many sacrifices as a duty, A mother's instruction to her helpless child.

But now he is 96 and not at all prepared for his own passing. Has no desire to hear anything about transcendence. "When you're dead you're dead." "I believe in God, He's over there. I'm over here. I don't bother Him and He doesn't bother me." Or he will turn his extended hand palms upward and show where he has crucifixion holes in his hands.

Now there is bewilderment. Of what use was all my sacrifice? Now He is left alone and suffering. Can hardly see, has no control of bladder or rectum, cannot walk, and administered 3 pages of medications just to live (chemical lide support)  has only a few functional hours in a day since he tires very easily. Alone. abandoned. Useless. And about to die.

 I am fast approaching a similar material condition as my father and mother and their father and mother and their father and mother before them. 

I made a sacrifice to ISKCON of my youth and energy to the best of my ability which is really minuscule and insignificant. Honestly I think I was more in the way than an actual help. I came to the movement with a lot of baggage and stubbornly hung to as much of it as I could for as long as I could. I guess I was something like a Hare Krishna baggage lady.

But I have no regret. If I do have a regret... it is that I have nothing left to give.  I would gladly do it all over again and again and again. 

Do I personally expect anything from ISKCON? No. I gave my life. that's it. I didn't make a deal. I gave it. It's gone. I gladly, joyfully, blissfully and enthusiastically gave it. Oh that I could do it again.
Do I expect some repayment?

Does ISKCON owe me something? 

Absolutely not. 

MAGIC CARPET RIDE

Overwhelmed... pretty much all of the time..
It's hard for me to be around other people. The experience is so intense.

Like today, the gardeners were here at the community. It's my father's house, I have nothing...
One man from Guatemala speaks fluent English. He is friendly and we talk sometimes a little bit. "How are you. Nice day..."

Today there was some brush in the back of the house where Tulsi devi's garden is. I have a sign for them not to come there because they can be rough on the plants and I don't want anything to happen to Tulsi devi and the fruit trees there.
It is a scared space that they do not necessarily recognize.

But today I asked this man if he would take the brush away and we talked for some time near Tulsi devi. I introduced him to Tulsi. The sacred plant. And told him She would give him some special blessings. He liked that very much.

He is a little older than the rest of the crew, maybe 50. Has no family. His father is in Guatemala and his sister is here in the US but they have no communication. She is busy with her family.
He says he is just waiting to die. He reads the Bible and waits to die.
I chanted Hare Krishna mantra very loudly several times just because.

We talked about how temporary everything is. But how we are spirit.
My face hurt from smiling.
He left to keep doing his gardening work.

There was voice screaming inside me, "Give him something more to go on!!"
I asked, "What? prasadam? Tulsi leaves?"
The voice said, "The man is intelligent. He will read a book."
I don't have a supply of books to distribute... But I do have a Science of Self Realization a devotee sent to me.
When I touched the book it was glowing.

I was propelled as if on a magic carpet and found where they were working in the neighborhood. The other men were all there watching. He took the book...it was still glowing in his hands. He looked at the cover, Srila Prabhupada.. looked at me, looked at the cover, looked at me and said, "Thank you. I will read this."

I felt like I had flown in from another planet to deliver this.
And then I flew away.

I used to distribute books all day long every day for years. But this was intense.