I became angry with Sachi, unreasonably so, and then wanted to find faults with her because she reminded you of the time and how you would need to take rest. And so the session of darshan with the Lord ended.
In order to get some relief from my unreasonableness and in order that I not commit some offense against dear Sachi who is most beautiful in her loving service to Lord Hari, I write this confession.
The Lord's mercy is like that. If I get His mercy then I become exhilarated and want to hold onto it, no matter what, nothing should get in the way or interrupt. But I can't. So I want to find fault with whoever or whatever interrupted. My mind is unreasonable and thinks they were jealous and stole His mercy away.
So then I try to plan how to steal it back, but it doesn't work like that. I can find no plan.
I must wait, not knowing for sure how long it might take if ever again.
And a moment seems like twelve years or more.
It is the not knowing, when or if, because He is completely free to do anything and everything.
Anything can happen.
Already it is unbearable.
And I am just begun on the path of Raganuga bhakti by the grace of my siksa guru, Gauraharidas Avadhuta.
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