Especially difficult times. The one person I am still attached to is my father, 96. Other than him there is no personal family. I used my youthful energy to sacrifice into the fire of the sankirtan movement. No family members except my deteriorating father. For him it is a slow departure from the material world. I am responsible for his needs. His physical condition requires him to be professionally cared for in an institution. Everyday I see him deteriorate more and more. His is a natural aging and preparation for death. When he is gone there is no one.
I am completely alone. Now at 70 I am faced with a similar fate. Slow deterioration. It is not for me to live near a temple. I meditate on the communities surrounding the Deities. And I mediate on the Deities. The Pure devotees and the aspiring devotees.
My life is one of solitude. After my active participation for 40 years my health began to fail. I considered I was more of a liability than an asset and removed myself to a solitary place to fix my mind on the transcendental sounds of glorification of the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
My fears surface more and more. Who will help me when I can no longer help myself? What if I should have an accident. When the body ages it becomes brittle and even a slight fall can be incapacitating. But I didn't want to surround myself with others that may become a distraction...surround myself with fallible soldiers to try to become free from fear of death.
This morning I cried out. I am helpless who will help me at the time of death? Not so much with the physical body although there will certainly be a need there. But people earn their livelihood by servicing people in that helpless condition. So the mechanics of it will no doubt be taken care of. But who will help me to be Krishna conscious?
What will happen to me when my mind may not be functioning properly at the time of death? My mind goes into a panic when I can't find the house keys. What about the time of death? At the time of death the mind races insanely looking for a solution to a problem that cannot be solved materially.
I know who will have to help me...he Vishnudutas. They will have to help me. That is who will have to come. When they hear me cry out in complete helplessness the Holy Name of Krishna they will come with an airplane from Vaikuntha. They will take me by the hand and I will step into the airplane with them and leave this material world. We will head for the spiritual world. What a day that will be!
The day that begins forever.
"Ajāmila has already atoned for all his sinful actions. Indeed, he has atoned not only for sins performed in one life but for those performed in millions of lives, for in a helpless condition he chanted the holy name of Nārāyaṇa. Even though he did not chant purely, he chanted without offense, and therefore he is now pure and eligible for liberation."
http://prabhupadabooks.com/sb/6/2?d=1
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