WHERE IS KRISHNA?

   

     In yesterday's sanga we read from Srimad Bhagavatam. Vidura meets Uddhava. Vidura had been on pilgrimage and had no news of Krishna or the Yadus. Uddhava has just come from Krishna who had left the planet along with the entire Yadu dynasty. 

     A most unusual thing happened when I was reading. I felt something. Not just studying from my head but feeling from my heart. Tears came when I read how Uddhava had been left alone and all the Yadus and Krishna were gone. And Vidura also was left behind and up to that point did not know what had happened. These were real people, devotees. I felt for them. I shuddered at the thought of Krishna and the Yadus leaving and the onset of Kali Yuga. These were not strangers. These were predecessors. We were related. I loved them.
     All day the next day I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. What I had felt for Vidura, Uddhava, Krishna, the Yadus.
     Someone honked their horn impatiently and cut in front of me and instead of getting angry like I might have done ordinarily, I thought about how the Yadus were sometimes proud and haughty. It was like that all day.
     But the doctor's office was surprising. I was like a crazy person. Not on purpose. I had no control over things. I like to be in control at least of my own behavior, but this was out of the question today. Today I was crazy.
     My voice was very deep and had a lot of force to it. I couldn't seem to show even the slightest conventional courtesy, like, "Hi, how are you?" I scared people. I could see it on their faces. I scared the doctor. I barked at him, not exactly like a dog, but I showed a kind of ferocious impatience with him, the nurses also and the staff behind the desks in the office. It was like I was a lion about to pounce on each of them. There was definitely an air of panic in the doctor's office. Should they call 911? But then I would laugh and smile calmly and they would settle down.    
     The people in the waiting room were alarmed also. I seemed to glare at them like I would grab them and shake them. They all looked at me at once and their eyes got big. All I could do was just try to get the appointment over with as best I could and get out of there.
     The odd thing is I felt very normal. To me they seemed bizarre. Stiff, artificial, lifeless. Made out of cardboard or something.
     In sanga later that evening I shared a little bit of what happened and Gaurahari prabhu mentioned something about a mask people wear. They present themselves a certain way, but it is just a mask.
Thinking about that, it was like I wanted to rip their masks off and they were frightened to have them removed.
     I did have a Bhagavatam with me and the doctor took the book and looked through it while looking at me waiting for the numbing agent to take effect on my hand so he could inject cortisone.
     He asked what the book was, Buddhist?
     I told him, "What I believe is that Love of God is the goal of life, it is not just butterflies and rainbows.  But by hearing and glorifying the Lord we develop love of Him.
     He was fine with that. But it was quite a day.
     Perhaps I am getting a little glimpse into the mood of Lord Chaitanya  "Where is Krishna?" is not like asking, "Where is the coke machine?" Where is Krishna is a kind of transcendental madness. Krishna is there. But where?